The Hidden Truth Behind Why People Cheat — Insights from a Sex Therapist

When most of us think about infidelity, our minds instantly jump to the usual explanations: physical attraction, boredom, or a reckless night gone too far.
But according to world-renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel, who has spent nearly 50 years working with couples in crisis, the reality is far more complex — and often deeply personal.

It’s Not Always About Wanting Someone Else

Perel explains that cheating isn’t always about finding another person attractive. In many cases, it’s about wanting to feel alive again.
Sure, infidelity can grow from relationship issues like rejection, emotional neglect, betrayal, or constant disconnection. But just as often, the root lies within the individual — a quiet, persistent loneliness or a nagging feeling of having lost touch with who they once were.

The Silent Slide into “Emotional Numbness”

Perel describes this as a gradual “deadness” that can creep into long-term relationships. Love may still exist, but it starts to feel muted. Days blend together. Conversations become more about chores and logistics than dreams or feelings.
Passion doesn’t vanish overnight it simply fades into the background, buried under daily routines, responsibilities, and predictability.

People in this state don’t necessarily stop loving their partner they just stop feeling truly alive within the relationship.

Why “Feeling Alive” Is the Key

For Perel, the antidote to this deadness is aliveness — a sense of curiosity, novelty, and emotional spark.
It’s not about expensive vacations or adrenaline-pumping adventures. It’s about staying curious about your partner. Seeing them not as someone you already “fully know,” but as someone with more layers to discover.

And the truth is — you probably don’t know everything about them.

Small Acts, Big Shifts

Perel recommends weaving playfulness and unpredictability into everyday life:

• Try cooking a new dish together.
• Share a weird or funny story from your day.
• Start a ritual that belongs only to the two of you.
• Do something unexpected — even something small can shift the energy.

These little moments break the monotony and remind both partners of the connection that brought them together.

Accepting You’re Different People

Long-term love requires accepting that you and your partner will never think, feel, or behave exactly the same way.
Sometimes they’ll do something for you purely because it matters to you — not because they enjoy it themselves. And you can return that effort. This mutual respect builds resilience and deepens trust.

Cheating Isn’t Always About the Other Person

Here’s the surprising part — many people who cheat aren’t looking for a new partner. They’re searching for a different version of themselves — one that feels desired, adventurous, and fully alive.

The Real Work Starts from Within

To protect your relationship from drifting into emotional numbness, start by reawakening your own spark — for life, for experiences, and for your partner.
When you feel alive, you naturally bring that energy into the relationship. And that’s what keeps love from going cold.